Intermission Montage Soundtrack – Sal sailing around the coast trying to catch a glimpse of her, partying with his friends, thinking about being with another girl who he knows, then turning away at the memory of Ceçile. Her lying on her bed losing her mind. The sun, the sun.
If surprises me how clear my memories are from that point on. I was much more conscious of myself, and everyone else. I paid attention. Before that I was always pretty spontaneous, in a selfish way, which was easy and came naturally to me. But those few days were problematic enough that I had to start thinking more, had to observe myself living. I went through the incredible pain of thinking through my life, and still didn’t end up any more relaxed about what was happening. I thought: my feelings about Anne are stupid and simple, but then the need to separate her from my dad is intense. And why judge myself, anyway? I didn’t have to do anything. I was just me. I was free to just experience whatever happened. For the first time in my life, this ‘me’, my ‘self’, seemed split in two, and the existence of this two-faced side was a big surprise. I found excuses, whispered them to myself, feeling sincere, only to have this other ‘me’ exploding my own arguments, crying that I was fooling myself, even if the arguments looked right at first glance. But wasn’t it really that other ‘me’ that was lying? Wasn’t the obvious response really the worst mistake? Sat in my room I debated for hours whether the fear and anger that Anne made me feel was justified, or whether I was basically a selfish little girl, spoiled, and just lucky to have had some fake independence.
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