Intermission Montage Soundtrack – Sal sailing around the coast trying to catch a glimpse of her, partying with his friends, thinking about being with another girl who he knows, then turning away at her memory. Her lying on her bed losing her mind. The sun, the sun everywhere.
The clearness of my memories from that point on surprises me a lot. I was much more conscious of others, of myself. I paid attention. Before that I was always pretty spontaneous in a selfish way – it was a luxury that came naturally to me, but those few days were problematic enough that I had to start thinking more, had to observe myself live. I went through the incredible pain of thinking my life through, and still didn’t end up any more relaxed about my situation. My feelings, I thought, my feelings about Anne are stupid and simple, and then the need to separate her from my dad is intense. But why judge myself, in the end? I didn’t have to do anything. I was just me. I was free to experience whatever happened. For the first time in my life, this ‘me’, my ‘self’, seemed split in two, and the existence of this two-facedness was a big surprise. I found excuses, whispered them to myself, feeling sincere, only to have this other ‘me’ exploding my own arguments, crying to me that I was fooling myself, even if they looked true at first glance. But wasn’t it really this other ‘me’ that was lying? Wasn’t the obvious response really the worst mistake? Sat in my room I debated for hours whether the fear and anger that Anne made me feel was justified, or whether I was basically a selfish little girl, spoiled, and just lucky to have had some false independence.
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